The people who surround me know that I’m a freak, but the majority of them have no clue as to the extent of it. I’ve been told that I “ooze sexuality”. Sounds gross, huh? It’s not. There is just something about my personality that brings out the fun in people, it brings out their inner sexy beasts, and most importantly the child within them that they have been hiding for one reason or another. It’s something that I cannot turn off, but I have been able to harness when necessary, even if just a little bit of harnessing.
There’s no denying that I am probably one of the most sexual people you would ever meet. If I could have sex twice a day, every day, it still might not be enough. It’s more than just sex though. It’s about physical contact. I hate to admit it, but I need to touch and be touched. I draw energy from other people. I put out so much energy that I have to be able to replenish it sometimes. I’m not one of those people who has to be pawing all over the person I am with, but I like the hugs and kisses, I like the hand holding, and yes…of course…I love the sex. There is a completeness that comes with it, but only if it’s with someone that I can totally let go with. Only if it’s with someone I feel I can trust enough to become one with, even if it’s just for a short time.
I’m also a “Try Anything Once” kind of girl. I have yet to be afraid to do something, though I have had reservations at times. I just have such a curiosity inside of me that every time I say no to an opportunity, I regret it tenfold. I have done things and accomplished things that most people wouldn’t bother to attempt and there is always a certain…wonderment or astonishment that comes from people who just don’t understand how or why I do the things I do.
The curiosity I have is almost a sickness. I have to touch things. I have to get a feel for what I am looking at. It doesn’t matter, if it looks interesting or different, I want to know what it feels like. Why don’t people do this? Is “touch” not one of the five senses? A rock with moss on it feels different from a river rock. Potting soil feels different from desert clay. I need to explore those kinds of things. If I hear a sound that I don’t know, I walk around until I have it figured out. I have the curse of amazing hearing. I can hear things that most people don’t so the little drumstick click in a song or the squeak from a car’s shocks nearly drive me nuts once I have figured out what I am hearing. I once spent three days near the Grand Canyon trying to figure out why the trees were “clicking” until I finally found the bug making the click and then had to research what it was and why it did what it did. It wasn’t a locust or cicada, something completely different, but I was obsessed.
If I don’t know something, I research. I ask questions. I’m not one to incessantly ask questions and make people crazy. I observe and absorb. I’ll ask a “cover all” question and then I will research later if something still has me in a quandary. I am a cornucopia of useless knowledge. I can literally sit down with any group of people and join in intelligently with their conversation. If I don’t know, I listen. I am very much like a sponge. I may not always remember something, but I am certainly open to learning, being criticized, or being corrected. There is a certain vibe that some people give off that says they are willing to teach people. Those are the people I key into and pay attention to and they are the ones who are more than happy to share their knowledge.
Something within me sends off a calm vibe or Love, if you will. I’ve mentioned to you once before about my “Snow White” syndrome in which I can be just about anywhere and attract random animals or people. I once had a job dealing solely with fractious animals. I never got bit, I never got in trouble. I always had a welcome reaction from both the animal and it’s owner. Then there is the people part of the equation which is a little different. It’s weird and sometimes hard to deal with. I attract interesting people. Some of them I fall in Love with instantly and I just want to take care of them until whatever it is inside of them is healed. Others I just don’t have the energy to take care of even if I am an attention whore. People sometimes just need someone to talk to, someone to be nonjudgemental who will listen. How I end up being that person is beyond me. I just listen, say exactly what is on my mind, and do my best to understand and support them. Sometimes I think that is my purpose here…just to Love and be calm when the person or animal before me is unable. There are times when I completely strike out with a person, but that’s rare and unusual.
All of that, every bit is good. Now for the bad…I have this brick wall. I really ought to name it, but I’m afraid that in doing so I might become permanently attached to it. I never let anyone too far into my world. I have been hurt too deeply to open up completely to anyone. I’m starting to think that the brick wall is the reason I haven’t found “The One” yet, though I think “The One” will chip away at the wall without me being the wiser and will one day be right where he needs to be almost without me knowing it.
You’re probably wondering why I would bother with a post that is all about me. Oh well it’s just my little bit of selfishness. Sometimes I need to step back and confirm that I DO know who I am when I am feeling a bit hesitant about things in my life. I need to reconfirm that I know what I want. By doing all of this, I know that one day I will have exactly what I need. It’s not easy to sit here and analyze myself, but it’s a bit of therapy in its own way. Sometimes we all need a dose of therapy. We all have room to change somethings within ourselves and find ways to grow, and we all need to allow ourselves to take care of ourselves. By sitting here in the wee hours and reconfirming the things I know about who I am, I am taking care of and grounding myself. Maybe by doing this for me, I will encourage you to do something like this for you.
Who are you? What do you need? What makes you feel? What defines you? The past two days of posts I have reconfirmed somethings. Not only are there some big changes ahead for me, but…
I know who I am and I know what I want and need.