Girl Brain is in full force so maybe if I just hash this all out, it will shut the hell up!! Oh and there is another idiot male I need to ignore.
I got back from Costa Rica a week ago and I am still having problems adjusting. I went from having a house full of people to coming home to nothing. In a previous life, I had a house full of roommates and the kitchen was the best part. Everyone would be working on a little project for the meal and it was so much fun to have the guys teach me stuff. No, I wasn’t sleeping with any of them but my BF. It was a perfect mix of alone time and togetherness with the bunch. That’s how Costa Rica was. I think I am more of a flock animal than I like to let on. Grrr…
For the past almost 4 years now I have really been obsessed with learning about people. Observe and Absorb. There is something that I haven’t quite figured out how to process. I seem to meet mostly guys who are married or in relationships, but rarely have I met a guy who is faithful. This comes in two ways. One- there are guys who are in an open relationship and their girls know. Two- they are cheating behind their girl’s back.
I have seen the open relationship work. The couples have their rules about what is tolerated and even sometimes who is off-limits. Sometimes it’s a spouse individually with another, sometimes it’s the couple with another. It all depends on the boundaries set. But I have also seen the rules broken, so the system isn’t fool-proof.
Then there is the cheater. I understand that there are needs that may not get satisfied at home and maybe there is an inability to have it all or maybe a lack of communication. There is also the thrill of having newness or someone different which is also a part of the draw to an open relationship. Apparently people can get bored with one another. (Learned this from a male friend today as he talked about his wife.)
I have met a few monogamous couples who seem happy, but knowing what I know…I have to wonder.
The question going through my mind is “What do I want?” I’ve been cheated on before and lied to. I know how a heart can hurt and I know how it can disrupt one’s life. Could I handle an open relationship? I’m not so sure. I need more sex than anyone I have ever known and sure, maybe there is a guy out there who can handle it, but in order for me to be ok with an open relationship, I would have to be getting everything I need. I know you are thinking “If it’s open you can get what you need,” but I think my primary lover should be able to take care of me and if there were others, they would just be for fun. I would not be happy if I wanted attention from my guy and he was out with someone else….and I don’t do revenge sex. I know a big part of me doesn’t like to share. I want certain things to be only mine. It’s kind of like in the movie Crazy, Stupid, Love when Cal tells Robbie’s teacher that she is the “perfect combination of sexy and cute”. When Cal’s wife finds that out, she is hurt because he told her the same thing. Some things I just want for myself.
The other option is for me to have a monogamous relationship but to know in my heart of hearts that things happen and at some point he will more than likely cheat on me. I am way too trusting and was blindsided when I found out others cheated on me. Maybe if I go into a relationship knowing it will happen, I will be able to handle it. The thing is, I want him to come home to me. I want to be the number one girl. I don’t want to be left needing while he is out messing around. I want someone I can confide in, have fun with, and rid all my inhibitions with. Maybe I am crazy, but that’s beside the point.
So as usual I am clueless and not sure why I even care at this point since I honestly don’t know any single guys! Maybe I am just supposed to be the random chick that happily loves those who need it but doesn’t break up anyone’s relationships because drama sucks. Maybe I should be in a sister-wife situation…cut off the emotions, have people to be with that love me and I can trust, people I can sleep with, but like I said… leave the emotional attachments behind. I have no clue.
How did all of this come about? I have two married guys I talk to a lot. One of them has cheated on his wife five times in six years. She would never allow an open marriage, doesn’t give him what he wants, and he says he has needs. The other guy I talk to was once given a hall pass but the wife couldn’t handle it. Now, he just goes behind her back. He is much more active than the other guy. He sleeps with or plays with women at least once a month and last night even found a couple on Craigslist to be with. He did the woman while the husband watched. I have been picking their brains for about a month now just to figure some things out in my head. Neither are local and I haven’t been with either. The other guy that I was talking to a lot seems to have backed off. I have to take that in stride because he did say he was dating someone, but I allowed myself to open up too much so now I am just wondering what triggered the distance. Yes, I’m a stupid girl and that is my girl brain. I shouldn’t have opened up like I did knowing he had someone else. My bad. The distance is more than likely something he is going through, but you know…Girl Brain is stupid.
and finally Idiot Male:
I don’t know this guy either but he is on one of the forums I am on and will be coming close to town next month. Being the good little hostess that I am, I said I would meet up with him one day. Luckily for me, he won’t be in my town, but two hours away. Since I like to chat people up before I meet them, we started texting. Thank goodness for this, because he really is an idiot or maybe he is just childish. When we started talking a few days ago he was nice and seemed normal. A couple of days later, the flirting came into play. He could have been drinking but it seemed harmless. He got a bit wound up telling me what he would like to do and I played coy. I had a weird vibe. When he asked for pics, I sent him ones I wouldn’t be afraid to show my mother. I was clothed and there was nothing special. What does he do? Sends me a cock shot. I know I have said before that random cock shots are NOT good. Well this was bad. He is super skinny and apparently has never heard of manscaping. He should be in a 70′s amateur porn. Yeah, that bad. What does he want to know? If I liked the photo…I avoided the question and told him my phone was going to die and I had to go. It was true thank goodness.
The next night, I am at work and BAM! I get a random cock shot. What. The. Fuck. I reprimanded him. I told him my texts pop up on my screen and I was at work. His response? “Well normal people don’t work on Saturdays” EXCUSE ME? I went off. I have apparently NEVER been normal because I have always had a job where some Saturdays were involved. I told him “I guess we should shut down AirEvac and stop transporting dying normal people on Saturdays then huh?” He said no and kind of shut up. Then he said, “It was a nice pic though, huh?” NO!!!! I didn’t have the heart to tell him my thoughts so made sure to tell him I was busy at work.
Tonight he text me and asked if I was at work. Yes. Oh then I guess I won’t send you any cock shots. I ignored the rest of his texts. Thank goodness when he comes to the state he will be two hours away and he has no idea where I work. The best part of our conversations was his attempt at talking dirty to me the one night when he said something like “I want to stick my penis in your pussy.” What is this? 4th grade? Who says that? I think that was when I got ready to cut him off.
He’s 30. Shouldn’t he be a little more in tune? Doesn’t he at least watch porn or some guy shows to learn how to talk to women? Or at least that he should manscape? Anyway, he’s out. The best thing about meeting people online is sometimes it only takes a couple of days or a couple of weeks to figure out I don’t want them around.
So there is everything in my Girl Brain right this second. I need to get back to writing the good stuff for you guys. Promise I will!